Clereigh Collection

"Sign" Language by Chris Clereigh

In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.
In a Leipzig hotel lift: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Paris hotel lift: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
Outside a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Sign outside a shop in Merida, Mexico: Broken English spoken fluently.
On a Polish hotel menu: Salad a firm's own make: limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger, roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Belgrade hotel lift:
- To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing-floor.
- Driving is not then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Russian hotel: If this hot is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Moscow hotel opposite Russian orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
From the brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Japanese information booklet about hotel air-conditioner: Cooles and Heates. If you just want condition of warm, please control yourself.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because of big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- Englishe well speaking.
- Here speeching American.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor's shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
From a Soviet weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden in our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours, we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
Gerard Hoffnung, allegedly from French hotel brochure: There are French widows in every bedroom, affording astounding prospects."
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF
Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
Sign in a Japanese hotel: SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS
Sign in Egyptian hotel: IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, "ROOM SERVICE!"
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL
Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

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Last edited: 05/22/02