"Sign" Language by Chris Clereigh
- In a Tokyo hotel: Is
forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
- In a Bucharest hotel: The
lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.
- In an Athens hotel: Visitors
are expected to complain at the office between the hours
of 9 and 11 am daily.
- In a Leipzig hotel lift: Do
not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
- In a Paris hotel lift:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
- In a Japanese hotel: You are
invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
- In a Zurich hotel: Because
of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite
sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
used for this purpose.
- Outside a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
- Sign outside a shop in Merida,
Mexico: Broken English spoken fluently.
- On a Polish hotel menu:
Salad a firm's own make: limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger, roasted duck let
loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's
- In a Belgrade hotel lift:
- To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.
If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
should press a number of wishing-floor.
- Driving is not then going alphabetically by
- In a Russian hotel: If this
hot is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
- In a Yugoslav hotel: The
flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
- In an Acapulco hotel: The
manager has personally passed all the water served here.
- In a Moscow hotel opposite Russian
orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the
cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers and
writers are buried daily except Thursday.
- In an Austrian hotel catering to
skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the
hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
- In a Swiss mountain inn: Special
today - no ice cream.
- In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons
cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in
the long run.
- Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses
for street walking.
- From the brochure of a car rental
firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in
sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first,
but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him
- Japanese information booklet about
hotel air-conditioner: Cooles and Heates. If you
just want condition of warm, please control yourself.
- On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
- In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summer suit. Because of big rush we will
execute customers in strict rotation.
- Two signs from a Majorcan shop
- Englishe well speaking.
- Here speeching American.
- Outside a Hong Kong tailor's shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
- From a Soviet weekly: There
will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet
Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over
the past two years.
- A sign posted in Germany's Black
Forest: It is strictly forbidden in our black
forest camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless
they are married with each other for that purpose.
- In an advertisement by a Hong Kong
dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.
- In a Rome laundry: Ladies,
leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a
- In a Czechoslovakian tourist
agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours,
we guarantee no miscarriages.
- Advertisement for donkey rides in
Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
- In a Bangkok temple: It is
forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as
- In a Tokyo bar: Special
cocktails for ladies with nuts.
- In a Copenhagen airline ticket
office: We take your bags and send them in all
- In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies
are requested to have children in the bar.
- In a Budapest zoo: Please do
not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give
it to the guard on duty.
- In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
- Gerard Hoffnung, allegedly from
French hotel brochure: There are French widows in
every bedroom, affording astounding prospects."
- Notice sent to residents of a
Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH
LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH
RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO
KEEP THEM IN ORDER.
- Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS
WILL BE DISPOSED OF
- Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY
NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
- Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
- Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS
PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
- Notice in a field: THE
FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT
THE BULL CHARGES
- Message on a leaflet: IF YOU
CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET
- Sign on a repair shop door: WE
CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE
BELL DOESN'T WORK)
- Spotted in a toilet in a London
office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE
- Sign in a Japanese hotel: SPORTS
JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS
- Sign in Egyptian hotel: IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE,
PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, "ROOM SERVICE!"
- Sign outside a new town hall which
was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN
HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER
BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
- Outside a photographer's studio: OUT
TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
- On a church door: THIS IS
THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR
IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE
- English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS,
PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
- Outside a second-hand shop: WE
EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY
NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
- Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW
CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
- Outside a disco: SMARTS IS
THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
- Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND.
ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER
OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL
- Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC
WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT
- Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
- In an office: WOULD THE
PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT
BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
- Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE
50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
- In an office: AFTER TEA
BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN
ON THE DRAINING BOARD
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Last edited: 05/22/02